Lympedema and dating

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Lympedema and dating

Postby annelicious » Thu Sep 02, 2010 10:24 am

Ever since my heart was so broken three years ago. i have never dated again. How do i give my heart away again when it is so shattered?The same condition that lead to the breaking of the relationship has not gotten any better? How do i explain this condition to the next guy? How do i deal with the depression that comes with it. It is killing me. In my previous relationship, i hardly ever discussed about my condtion with my partner. It is extremely hard, when you are young and the other person is also young. All they are interested in is dating and having fun and not listening to someone's problem. More than anything else the physical pain is enormous. I am barely coping with this condition. I live in a country that is hot most of the time and there is no specialist. This is really getting to me . I try so hard to live but it seems there is not much that i can hold onto. First of all before i even go into some relationship i have to try and keep myself together. I dont feel good enough at 28 yrs with lympedema of both legs and feet my confidence has dropped , i just feel grumpy all the time and people around me are finding it hard to understand because they have never seen anyone with lympedema. All my sisters have children and are married and most of my friends at my age are either in a stable relationship or married. What do i have? nothing :-( On top of that i am back at university doing my second degree. My first degree did not work out well for me since i did Chemist and worked as a Chemist for four years, just to realise that my feet cannot carry me any longer and i had to change careers. I am now back at university doing Computer Science, dont really have passion about it but is the closest thing i could think off. My performance has not been that good because depression gets to me and my concentration is not that good. I try so hard to keep a positive outlook in life but i am not winning. I feel like lympedema has taken away everything that i have ever believed in. What do i hold onto, when everything seems so wrong.
I did'nt mean to vent but i feel like my life has no meaning at all. I am so hollow. Thank you for listening.
annelicious
 
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Re: Lympedema and dating

Postby blubrdfrend » Fri Sep 03, 2010 2:14 am

Annelicious, Your post broke my heart. I am so sorry that you feel so bad about yourself. You don't see yourself as a desirable woman. I have ask men what attracted them to their wives. They said: her laugh was wonderful, she was always smiling, her eyes were beautiful, she made me feel good, she was so kind and tender. Not one man ever said that she had beautiful legs. I too, even at my age, wish that my legs look better. You can not let your legs ruin your life. You may be suffering from depression. Depression is real. It is not something that you can snap out of or talk yourself out of. You should see your physician now. There is help for these feelings of despair. Call your doctor and let us know how you are. We are a family of people that understand and care about each other.
Betty
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Re: Lympedema and dating

Postby annelicious » Fri Sep 03, 2010 8:20 am

Thank you. Everybody keep telling me that it is not about your looks. Most importantly i have to find my smile. I am not the best to be around at the moment. I feel the negative energy even myself. Yes i have to fight the depression one step at a time but i am finding it very hard.
annelicious
 
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Re: Lympedema and dating

Postby LymphedemaGirl » Sat Sep 11, 2010 6:21 am

Dear friend, I really feel for you and your post really grabbed me. I too feel that my lovelife - or lack of same - has vanished after lymphedema. Like you, I am already seen as a freak for not being married with children, and the Lymphedema sure doesn't make things better. You must do what is right for you though.

Even at 30-something or even 40-something, many boys just want to have fun. It seems almost hopeless to meet someone and perhaps start a family before time is up. I sometimes feel that a big part of me has given up ever meeting someone, and that scares me and frustrates me. At the same time, a little part of me still think it is possible. That's human nature, fighting to survive.

If I ever meet someone again I am going to get to know him properly in a relaxed way, spending time together over time, making it clear that I am not looking for "fast love". Protecting myself by not telling him "my secret" before I feel as secure as I can, knowing that he likes me for who I am. Getting rid of the "bad apples" before they learn and run away, then it will really hurt. I will probably get bruised on the way by that's what this game is like anyway, isn't it. It may sound like a cliché or empty words, but I do think that when someone cares enough, the Lymphedema doesn't matter (just think of your family and friends who care regardless), and I do think there is someone out there for me, actually more than one, but what it all comes down to is whether I will meet him/them before I die. There is no guarantees.

For a long time (before your post), I have been wondering what my options of meeting a man that would like me despite my Lymphedema and for more than physical attraction. The following are my options so far:
· Internet dating.
· Walking Tours with a walking group for my agegroup. Or other activities that interest me.
· Running Dinner (a concept over here where people get together cooking and dining in a relaxed and friendly atmosphere).

I am no longer focusing so much on meeting someone, although I should, as approaching late 30-thies there is not unlimited time left for having children, if that is in the cards for me. Frustrating age! I think the best thing I can do is try to make a good life for myself without letting my happiness depend on a man, regardless of how much I long for all that a loving relationship holds. I am not saying to give up, just don't put your life on hold.

If you can get some sort of treatment for you depression, I really think you should. I wish I could, but no money.

Reg. the physical pain of your Lymphedema and no specialist in your country, could it be an option for you to go to some other country and get "sorted out", meaning having regular treatment for a while, get instructions for self-MLD and also get some remedies, ie a Lymphedemapump (please read Pat O'Conners post about the importance of opening up the lymphchannels first), compression stockings if you haven't got already, and bandages for selfbandaging?

Also, I think it is important to allow oneself to grieve. Grieve of your lost love. Grieve of your Lymphedema. Not kicking yourself for not feeling like a smile. Of course you don't feel like a smile when life sucks.

I really wish you all the best.

Love
L
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Re: Lympedema and dating

Postby blubrdfrend » Sat Sep 11, 2010 1:53 pm

If you want to meet men, you must go where they are. Join a group such as church singles class, genealogy, photography, gardening or something that interest you. Your local library or chamber of commerce may have a list of groups in your area. The newspaper sometimes has notice of area group meetings. There are many groups that need volunteers. Don't volunteer in a senior citizen setting. There will be mostly women and the few men will be too old for you. Internet dating may pass the time but you will miss a real person in your life. In a group setting there will be no pressure. If there is no one there that interest you it will still be fun because you are doing something that you enjoy. Don't forget to ask God for guidance.
Betty
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Re: Lympedema and dating

Postby annelicious » Fri Oct 08, 2010 3:17 pm

Thank you all for your responses. It is not that finding a man is difficult, but finding a man that understands.
annelicious
 
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